By Chaplain Steve Holden

There are many times the subject of conversation in firehouses around the country turns to reminiscing about old calls. "You remember when we did……" or "I'll never forget the night when……" and of course the "ol timers favorite, "Let me tell about what happened before we had……," and we can all fill in the blanks.

There is probably more coffee consumed, Coke chugged and popcorn munched than one can ever imagine as these "war stories" are told, and retold.

Inevitably there will be a quiet pause in a lot of these conversations as someone respectfully lowers their voice and says," I'll never forget the call at Joe Smith's." Everyone knows Joe Smith. He was a member of our department, a paramedic on the ambulance, or a cop in our district. Joe Smith was one of our own.

As a Chaplain I had three different calls from Joe Smith last year. A tragic car wreck, a boating accident, and an acute MI. Participating in both debriefings and funerals gave me the opportunity to offer God's grace, hope, and strength to family and friends as well as fellow firefighters and EMT's.

We may experience the normal emotions: grief, shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and then the finality of death. We may wrestle with the circumstances of death for quite sometime.

I am often asked how I deal with death and all the suffering we so often encounter. The first step is to make a decision that you WILL deal with it. It never ceases to amaze me that in the fire service we teach long and hard to be proactive and not reactive. Yet in the very basics of training we fail to address the human element within ourselves. Our most valuable resource.

In our "firehouse family" we develop a bonding camaraderie. In my travels I have the opportunity to ride with different departments, both big city and rural. The most common question asked is "What's the biggest difference between departments." It's not that one is paid and another isn't.

In the big cities you may have 20, 25, even 30 year career men who seldom, if ever, pull up on a scene and know the victims. Yet in rural departments it's not uncommon at all. In fact, many rookies first calls may be to someone they know.

So, how do we handle it? First let's take a look at some common manifestations of normal grief behavior and stress related signs.

Sadness, guilt, anxiety, fatigue, helplessness, loneliness and numbness are a few normal feelings we experience during the grieving process. Please remember it is a process we all go through at different speeds. Our relationship to the deceased and pre-existing conditions in our personal lives play a big part in the amount of time needed to heal.

Common physical sensations include hollowness in the stomach, tightness in the chest and throat, sensitivity to noise, weakness, lack of energy and dry mouth. In stress situations I personally find myself with a dry mouth. Is this an indication I am about to loose it? Not really. But I am wise enough to recognize this as my body using one of the God given warning signs and I make the necessary adjustments.

I suppose we could liken this to a simple fracture or a moderate laceration.
We know the injury needs to be treated. But will we do so properly or "just deal with it ourselves." In both cases we will heal. Proper medical treatment will ensure not only minimal scaring, but continued full use of the extremity. When we "just deal with it ourselves" noticeable scars develop and there is a little loss of mobility. These similarities between our physical and emotional make up shouldn't be a surprise. God created us Spirit, soul and body in His image.

We all know of cases where the patients' injuries or illness pointed to certain death. Yet they pulled through because of a tremendous spiritual will to live. Conversely, all of us have been surprised to hear of another patients passing. The prognosis didn't seem serious but the person just seemed to give up. In infants it's called "failure to thrive."

I've watched many people, men and women alike, struggle within themselves as they attempt to deal with emotions and events at funerals and visitations of one of our own. Some put up defenses trying to mask their feelings by pretending they are not affected. Others are worried about what to say and how to act.

Here are just a few suggestions: Respect the family's wishes in regard to the ceremony. Even if they do not wish department involvement such as Honor Guard, apparatus, or ringing of the bell, your presence is much appreciated and needed.

Keep normal contact with the surviving widow or family. If it was common to get together for pizza on certain nights, continue to do so. If it wasn't, don't begin to show up on the doorstep three nights a week.

Don't abandon them or over compensate with activity.

Don't be afraid to call and offer support or extend and invitation prior to common holidays.

And lastly, don't be afraid to admit that you are at a loss for words at times.

Again, these are but a few suggestions that should get us thinking in the right direction. In closing, let me encourage everyone to continue in our preparedness in this great calling of our profession. Let me also remind you of a spiritual calling that demands the same readiness from each of us.

Failure to prepare properly to answer our vocational calling can have fatal consequences. Failure to answer God's spiritual call will have eternal consequences. It is my prayer that everyone, everywhere, hears the alarm and is ready to answer the call.